I have been begging for many things--without any consideration for God at all, without desiring them for God’s sake. All is with the whims of worldly wisdom and too much is done to satisfy lack of assurance and to appease my pain alone. And then I found that all kinds of secular attempts and self-love, no matter how one is ignorant of them or tries to hide or disguise them with something seemingly of higher cause, always end miserably in themselves. I am no more concerned of God’s glory, and do much worry about my needs and well-being. As if God cares more for the sparrows than He does me. I don’t deny that too much worldly cares (& priorities) thus make me not different at all from the world--or worse, since I dare enough to call myself Christian. Can I not care for anything else now? I used to think in the past I did so, but the ardent search for truth then was done with much irresponsibility and negligence of daily practical duties and tasks. But again, I really think I did not lie then. The forgetfulness and burden were real, as the soul wrestled with truth so obtrusive and mind was agonized with thoughts I did not know I possessed. Whatever it was, somehow now I desperately need to be there again—to be hardly concerned of anything, and so to know that God really cares for me.

posted by Graciana@Home at 8:54 am