A handful of people have suggested similarities in our characters. Living through with her, I am affirmed that we are alike in one particular routine: we cry ourselves to sleep almost every night, or more accurately, on every other night. Fortunately as roommates, we are clever—we take turns. As if the timing has been set up, like the rising and the setting of sun. And as if it is divine providential, when immediate consolation is essential for remedy, God bestows us with a friend by our side. Both D and I are often worried stiff about responsibilities to others whom we care and who care for us and we grow nervous thinking of and planning our future. One day when D struggled to stifle her sobs, I came near to hug her and asked what have made her so sad. She replied in tears and jerky speech, ‘I am confused of how to give attention to everyone in a fair, adequate, and most honest way.’ I thought to myself, oh my, did not I just cry over this some nights ago.

AK too discusses and consults more frequently about a PhD abroad these days, and how he looks forward to one day teaching in a reformed University in Indonesia. UK is most zoomed in as destination for further study, and by evening I would have imagined living in another society most class-conscious like Singapore, from financial covetousness, intellectual snobbery, to linguistic prejudice. Here I teach English; there I could be grammatically challenged. Charles Dickens would not have named his book ‘Great Expectations’ for no reason, would he? Picturing poor, unsafe, and unruly Indonesia too prompts me of Raffles’ tragic personal life across the sea. He lost his wives and four children to harsh conditions in Java and Sumatra. My heart is nearly broken in anxiety, everyday. As much as I am happy and thankful to be beside AK, what if I am not good enough a helper? What if as a helper, I am not strong enough, physically, mentally, spiritually? Possibly I will get immensely insane—and be another Mrs. William Carey.

Yesterday I woke up with puffed-up eyes. Today it was D who was with single eyelid. So supposedly, by rotation, tonight it is my turn to weep. It is a hunch. You know, like it really rains on days our grandfathers heave a sigh, ‘looks like it is raining today.’

posted by Graciana@Home at 9:14 am